isolation

this is what our lives have become.

we are children playing hide and seek. we cover our eyes, perhaps lean against a tree or a wall, and count backwards from one hundred. we run and try to find the perfect place in which to not be discovered.

if we are successful in not being found, we have won. but winning is not always what we desire. in fact, what we often want the most is to lose, and as quickly as possible.

there is that moment of excited surrender, when our hiding place has been exposed, when we have technically lost the game, but have enjoyed that deeper pleasure of being seen. being seen is not a matter of gain, or status, or keeping score. it is not a matter of being the winner, being the best, taking the prize. being seen is what we would gladly give our eyes for. and as the game draws on, and more of us are found, the music of excited voices discussing the expired stratagems of the game is painful to be separate from. in the end, some of us will even break cover so as not to be separate any longer.

i have hid myself in a very, very good place for a trillion lifetimes, so long that i've forgotten it was a game. so long that i've forgotten i was even hiding. so long that i've forgotten that there's anyone out there but me.

if there's a hell anywhere worse than this, i can't imagine it.